The Momsuit

NOT the perfect Momsuit.

Summer officially starts in just a few weeks, which means I'm going to have to buy a bathing suit.  If there is a more convincing reason for day drinking than shopping for swimsuits after birthing a baby or two, I have yet to find one.  Okay, maybe shopping for bathing suits with my gorgeous teenage niece after having given birth to two children.  That would definitely require a three cocktail pregame right there.

The last time I purchased a bathing suit was sometime before I got pregnant with the Muffin Man, way back in 2012 when I had a yoga-toned bod and boobs that didn't point due south.  I've never been a huge fan of my toothpick-with-tits figure, but compared to what I'm rockin' these days - pancake boobies, a pregnancy pooch, and ass cellulite - I'll take that any day.

The problem these days, aside from my postpartum figure, is that you really can't be prancing around in a string bikini when you're trying to keep up with two busy toddlers.  I may not have any boobs left, but that doesn't mean I want one of my nipples to flop out while I'm digging a hole with my three year old.

If only there was something called a Momsuit®, the perfect bathing suit for your postpartum body and life.  

Sun coverage.  I don't know if it's just because I'm old and tanning was all the rage in the Paleolithic age the 80's, but it seems that becoming a parent also makes you afraid of the sun.  We may have wiled away our summers baking on Stinson Beach, but now everyone is slathered with sunscreen and hiding underneath a hat so big it could pass as a duck blind.  Forget teeny tiny bikinis, those expose too much of my already sun-damaged skin to harmful UV rays.  Give me long sleeves and a high neck any day.  In fact, why not just throw a burka over me, top it off with a giant straw hat, and call it a day.

Pockets.  Do you know how much shit you have to carry on your person at all times when you have children?  Wipes, kleenex, snacks, and water bottles are only the begining!  The Momsuit® would have giant pockets to hold all of my kid's crap, plus an extra waterproof pocket for my most valuable possession: my iPhone.

Easy access.  I'm not using this term in a sexual context - lord knows I do not want more kids - but rather in the literal sense in that I need to be able to get in and out of my bathing suit one handed and as fast as humanly possible.  Most of the time I end up holding a child while I pee, so I can't be struggling to get myself out of a wet swimsuit with a 30 pound kid balanced on my hip.  The Momsuit® would easily unzip in just the right places to ensure quick, one-handed potty stops.  

Flattering.  Obviously, it needs to look good on my postpartum figure, so the Momsuit® would also have padded cups (when necessary), built-in spanx in the tummy and hip regions, and some sort of design element that hid my flabby ass.  It can't be too sexy though, as you don't want an inadvertent nip slip or to expose a thatch of errant pubes (come one, ain't no mom got time for a Brazilian wax). 

Lighting.  I may be afraid of the sun, but I don't want to look like Boo Radley on the beach, so the Momsuit® would also come with some sort of aura of flattering lighting that makes me look tan and well-rested.  Oh sure, I could go get a spray tan or use self-tanner before hitting the beach but since I can't find time to wax my lady party that's not exactly a realistic expectation, is it?  The Momsuit® would magically disguise all of your weird t-shirt tan lines and would make you look less like a (literal) red neck and more like a celebrity.  Okay, maybe not a celebrity but less like a Mom and more like a human. 

Come to think of it, a wetsuit might be just what I'm looking for.