Are You REALLY Ready to Have Kids?

This is your morning on kids.

So, you're thinking of having a child.  Congratulations!  You can now have tons of unprotected sex with whomever you've decided is a good candidate for daddy duty.  I sincerely hope that he knows you've stopped taking the pill and is also on board with your family plan, but that's on you. 


I'd like to assume that you know what you are getting into, but it's come to my attention recently that many folks considering taking the parenthood plunge don't have a clue, so I'm going to share some of my hard won wisdom in the hopes that it helps you in your decision to go from "hottie" to "mommy".

1.  Children are not accessories.  Unlike the season's hottest bag, just because everyone you know has a kid, it doesn't mean that you need to have one also.  I understand that in a world of perfectly curated Instagram feeds it can appear as though children are just cute little droids who like to wear designer clothes while going on local cultural outings, but keep in mind that for every perfect photo there are at least ten that were deleted because Junior was sticking out his tongue or having a potty accident in those Ralph Lauren shorts.  Also, when you're tired of your child, you can't just send him to MaterialWrld and hope you get a decent trade in value.

2.  The mess is epic.  Kids are messy.  They are also dirty and gross and prone to picking their noses at inopportune moments.  I don't care how much help you can afford, unless you have a full time housekeeper assigned to follow each of your offspring around every hour of every day, your house is going to be a disaster.  There will be LEGOs on the floor, hand prints on the windows, and half-chewed food crushed into your carpets.  If you want to live in a house that looks as though no children reside there, don't have children.

3. You're not getting "it" back.  I don't care what word you want to use in place of "it" - your body, your lady parts, your marriage - once you have a kid nothing returns to the way it was before you became a parent.  You can do 600 sit-ups every morning while simultaneously exercising your kegel muscles and finish this grueling regimen with a kale smoothie and a laxative, but you're still not going to look good in your pre-pregnancy jeans.  Once you've grown a child, birthed a child, and fed a child, there ain't no way you're going to be able to sneeze without peeing yourself.

4.  Pregnancy sucks. The unavoidable truth about pregnancy is that you will gain weight, have horrible gas, and fiery heartburn.  Don't limit yourself to a pregnancy diet of wheatgrass and misery because you're afraid to gain weight.  Enjoy porking up - your growing baby needs fat for her developing brain, and you need lots of extra calories to gestate a human - and eat what you crave.  If anyone gives you a  hard time about your weight gain, feel free to scream "F*CK YOU I AM GROWING A HUMAN" and then eat several donuts.  If you do not want to create a hospitable environment for your future child because you are too worried about maintaining your girlish figure, I'd like to suggest you not have children and instead seek out a therapist to discuss your extreme vanity. 

5.  Children need their parents.  I don't care how many nannies, night nurses, and au pairs you hire, your kid will still want his parents.  It can be annoying at times, specifically when you feel like running off to a tropical island, but when your kids are hurt or upset or going through any number of issues, the person they want most is Mama or Dada.  Your life is going to (and should) change dramatically when you have a kid.  In the beginning it will feel as though you are never going to get back to a semblance of normal, and while it does eventually get easier, you will never again be able to do whatever you want without thought as to how it impacts another person.  If you are not prepared to focus your life around another being's needs, then it might not be a great idea to have kids.  Come to think of it, it might not be a great idea for you to have a pet either. 

Now go forth and make some babies!  I'd like to suggest you get kinky on your living room couch, because assuming all goes well, it's one of the last times that piece of furniture won't be covered in graham cracker crumbs.