Your Mother is Crazy

Well, at least I'm not the craziest Mother in town.

Now that I’ve been a parent for almost three and a half years (!), I can tell you without hesitation that there are some batsh*t crazy people out there who are raising children.  I’ve written about this before in the context of our preschool search, but now that I have school-age children and we're exposed to a multitude of other kids and their caregivers, my eyes have been opened to the fact that people are nuts.

Herewith, the five types of cuckoo parents I’ve met lately:

The “in denial that I had a boy” Mother.  Fact: boys stand up to pee.  Yes, they are messy and it boggles the collective female mind how they can never seem to avoid leaving a puddle, but boys are designed to pee standing up.  I’ve personally always dreamed of being able to spell my name in the snow in urine, but apparently I’m unique in this, because lately I have met two Mothers who refuse to let their sons stand up to urinate.  That’s right, folks, I guess these women are starting the emasculation earlier rather than later, but eventually these boys are going to go to school and realize that they are complete and total weirdos because they use a stall instead of a urinal.  Might as well put the therapist on speed dial now, ladies, because your son is going to need some professional help in the not-so-distant future.

The “my kid only wears designer clothes” Mother.  Welcome to Los Angeles, where people spend $150 on a t-shirt for a child!  I was chatting with one of these women the other day, and somehow it came up that I purchase most of my son’s clothes at the second hand shop.  The look of complete and utter revulsion I received from my fellow Mother actually stunned me a little bit.  She said that she would never purchase anything for her kid that wasn’t fashion forward and new, to which I pointed out that last time I checked I wasn’t dressing Noah in acid-washed jeans and a Starter jacket, but the woman now refuses to sit next to me at soccer class.  Look, kids are dirty.  They often use their clothing as napkins, and they enjoy drawing on themselves with chalk and crayons and permanent marker.  Spray and Wash can only do so much.  If you’re planning to give your child a complex by constantly yelling at her to keep her designer duds clean, you’re a freak.

The “my kid is just expressing himself” parent.  I’m so happy for you that your kid is confident enough to be outgoing and show his feelings, but I don’t personally consider “expressing oneself” to constitute repeatedly biting my son to the point of drawing blood.  Get your toddler in check, bitch.

The "no sense of humor" Mother.  Parenting is tough and there are times when one has to make really big decisions that have the potential to hugely impact the life of one’s child(ren).  I’ve personally found that the only way to survive parenthood is through humor and liberal use of alcoholic beverages.  Unfortunately, there are quite a few parents out there who do not subscribe to this parenting methodology.  I am going to make inappropriate jokes about how much my kids drive me insane and that I’ve contemplated locking them in the basement once or twice, so if you’re not cool with that, then I suggest you seek out a prescription for Xanax and loosen the f*ck up.

The full time help Mother who doesn’t understand why you look like shit.  First of all, let me say that I am jealous of stay-at-home Moms who have full time help.  I would absolutely kill to have someone come to my house seven days a week to take care of my child and do the dishes and make the beds and clean the baseboards.  I do not have this option, however, because I pursued a dead end career and have nothing except some bad comedy footage to show for it.  That being said, if you are lucky enough to have a rich husband or a trust fund that pays for said childcare, please do not ask me why I have skunk roots and an outdated wardrobe and then say, “well I have kids too!” when I attribute it to having to take care of a small child.  There is a big difference between taking care of a child 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year and having someone else do that while you shop or go to the salon or have lunch with your lady friends.  I look like crap because I haven’t showered in three days, and I suggest you not get too close in case I smell.