My (lowered) Parenting Standards

 

Once upon a time, a long time ago, back before I had kids and saggy boobies, I had very high motherhood standards.  I had a lot of unrealistic ideas about Motherhood, and a whole lot of judgement to go with those.  If we are friends, and you reproduced before I did, I owe you an apology, because I judged you and your parenting choices.  I may have judged you for letting your children eat sweets.  I probably passed judgement if your kid interrupted us while we were trying to converse.  It's entirely possible that I was so disdainful of your parenting choices that I went home and told my husband how concerned I was about your lack of parenting skills.

I am sorry for being a complete and utter asshole.  I had no idea how fucking hard it is to raise a child, and I did not give you nearly enough credit for simply making it through the day and keeping your child alive.  What I used to regard as questionable parenting is simply the reality of raising kids while trying to stay sane.  You know what I always say, "beware the judgement of the childless neighbor, for she probably has DCFS on speed dial."

My standards for good parenting have lowered tremendously, especially since the Little Lady's entrance downstage vagina.  Here are five ways I've failed my formerly righteous self today alone:
  
TV.  The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly suggests no screen time for children under the age of two which they probably recommend because they are all at work doing doctor-type shit while someone else takes care of their kids!  I admit that this suggestion is somewhat realistic when you only have one kid, but add another child into the mix, especially if they are close in age, and I guarantee that you'll be plopping your kid down in front of the boob tube as soon as they can sit up on their own.  Mommy is tired.  I promise to make up for rotting your brain by showing you some alphabet flashcards or something.  

Eat sugar/wheat/gluten/dairy/whatever else is trendy.  Do you know what kids like to eat?  Food that is full of all the stuff that's bad for you.  Do you know why?  Because it tastes freaking delicious!  Yes, quinoa is good for you, but children have twice as many taste buds as we do, and that shit tastes like sand even in the hands of a top chef. I had every intention of making everything from scratch and protecting my children from the dangers of high fructose corn syrup and mass produced wheat bread, but at the end of a long day there is no way in Hell I'm staying up late to bake a homemade gluten-free flax and chia loaf instead of drinking wine and watching Downton Abbey on Netflix.

The iPhone.  If you have not spent the better part of a month alone with two children, please do not lecture any parent about using a phone while care taking.  There are few jobs more isolating than being a stay-at-home parent, and while I endeavour to be present as much as possible when I'm with my kids, sometimes I need to have contact with the outside world just so I know that it still exists and that I continue to be somewhat relevant.  However, I never, ever, use my phone during meals and the only time I actually talk on the thing is when my kids are asleep.  Mainly because I think it's rude to ignore my kids that blatantly, but also because it's impossible to have a normal conversation when my kids are screaming "Mommy, mommy, mommy" in the background every two seconds.

Grooming.  I used to judge women with kids for going out in public looking like something my cat barfed up.  Let's be real here: once you become a Mother, leisurely showers are a thing of the past.  On a good day I get a quick five minute rinse which is just enough time to wash the child filth off of me.  My hair isn't getting washed unless it's date night or I have a work meeting, and the last time I shaved my legs may have been sometime in December of 2015.  I barely have time to get dressed at all, let alone choose an outfit and put myself together.  I haven't yet sunk quite so low as to wear pajamas to drop my kid at school, but I'm pretty sure the other parents are starting to wonder if I ever wash the sweatpants I wear on the daily.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go "prepare dinner", by which I mean defrosting something from Trader Joe's.