Body Talk

Once upon a time, a long time ago... I had a killer bikini bod.

I spent the entire nine months that I was gestating my children yapping about how I couldn't wait to get my body back.  I assumed that I would eventually bounce back into shape once I recovered from giving birth and finally found some time to exercise.  There's only one problem: you never really get your pre-pregnancy body completely back.  You'll lose (most) of the baby weight and you might even fit back into your pre-pregnancy jeans, but it's not the same.

Sure, it's a miraculous thing to be able to give life and all that crap, but personally I think that the six-pack I was sporting prior to having the Muffin Man was nothing short of miraculous either.

1. Boobs.  I know I've talked (and talked) about this, but boobies after baby are just sad.  The deflated balloons currently residing on my upper chest are a shadow of what they once were.  It is not out of the realm of possibility that I will, in 20 years or so, be able to wear my breasts as a belt.  I used to have to wear a bra because my boobs were too big, and now I have to wear a bra so that I don't look flatter than a prepubescent eight year old.  If you think it's depressing to not fit into your pre-pregnancy jeans, try not fitting into your pre-pregnancy bra.  I could make a whole dress with the amount of extra fabric in the cups of my old 34C's.

2. Hips.  Shakira was right: your hips don't lie, especially about the fact that you've given birth.  That "childbearing hips" term is not just some weird saying your Grandmother brought over from the old country.  Your hips get wider...and wider...and wider throughout your pregnancy, and unless you are some freak of nature, they never return to their original size.  Invest in some jeggings, because the only pants you're going to be able to fit over those womanly hips are the ones that contain spandex.

3. Waist.  Remember that slim, cute little waist you had before you got pregnant?  That is never coming back.  Get on board the empire waist trend, because that style is your new best friend.  Better yet, just invest in some loose shirts, because those hide a multitude of sins.  I'm really starting to understand the appeal of a corset now that the body shape I'm currently rocking is "human rectangle".

4. Tummy.  If I ever get lost in the Australian outback, I'll probably be adopted by a family of kangaroos who think I can carry their young in my tummy pouch.  Truth be told, I look like I'm gestating a third child, which was pointed out to me by a customer at my local Starbucks who asked how many weeks pregnant I was.  That's a real ego boost prior to your first cup of coffee, let me tell you.  I'm doing sit-ups in every spare moment I have (while also watching Empire, because that show is gooooood) but I'm beginning to despair of ever having a flat tummy again.  Sure, natural birth is great, but I'm kind of wishing I'd gone the scheduled c-section route instead just so that I could've had a tummy tuck and saved myself some shame.

5. Leakage.  Prior to pushing two children out of my lady parts, I really didn't understand why anyone would want to have vaginal rejuvenation.  I get it now, especially every time I sneeze, laugh, cough, or move and wet myself a little bit.  Yes, the vagina has a surprising amount of elasticity, but your vag will never again be the vibrant lady part that it used to be.  I saw myself give birth, and after witnessing how far my bits stretched out, I'm surprised my vag isn't dragging on the floor picking up peanuts like an elephant's trunk.  In related news, I now see the wisdom in Depends marketing their product to a younger audience.

Essentially, my days of wearing string bikinis are over.  I've resigned myself to a future of one piece bathing suits or, preferably, just swimming fully clothed.