Motherhood FAIL of the Week: Baby vs. Pool

This week's Motherhood FAIL comes courtesy of Jessica Glassberg. Big thank you to Jessica for sharing her story! 

So, it’s summer… it’s time for some fun in the sun! Or, as the case may be with my 8-month-old, fun in the SPF slathered with a shade-providing hat fun in the sun!

I recently signed my 8-month-old daughter up for swim lessons at our local pool. Granted it’s more “get used to being in a giant chlorine infused bathtub with Mommy” than a lesson, but I was still a bit nervous about the whole thing.

And by a bit nervous, I mean totally, completely and in all other ways neurotic. Why would this be any different than worrying if my little bundle of joy is going to choke on the piece of banana she is gagging on or that time I threw my daughter down the stairs?

But in swim class, my concern was focused on her vs. the water.

I just kept getting the image of me holding a greased watermelon stuck in my head. Ya know… because of all those times that I’ve carried greased watermelons. (“I carried a watermelon.” Dirty Dancing…? Anyone…? I digress.) But I just kept having visions of her slippery little body slipping out of my slippery arms.

I learned that the class would entail dunking my daughter under the water…on purpose. They’re going to want me to water board my baby? What info do they think she’s going to have? The secrets of “the silent but deadly?”

I was a nervous wreck. I avoided the grocery store for fear I would come across a box of Dunk-a-Roos or Duncan Hines. I wouldn’t watch TV because with all the controversy about his wife outing him as bisexual, I was afraid I would see a clip of basketball player, Tim Duncan, dunking.

I worried… what if she swallows too much water? Then, the image of my wee one as a cartoon baby would pop into my head… where she’d drink too much water and it would start spraying out her ears with the velocity of a fire hydrant.

If she gets chlorine in her eyes, could that do permanent damage? And then I pondered the effects of chlorine on her baby soft skin and seeping into her baby-sized pores. What do I do if she gets too scared? What if the water is too cold and she gets hypothermia?

So, I did what any mother of an 8-month-old would do. I reviewed the things I learned in my infant CPR class and Googled the shit out of everything else!

Within the first moment in the pool, I decided to get the dunking over with. She was under and up in less than a second. And while I think my heart skipped a beat in the moment it took her to catch her breath, I knew it was a success. She was happy. She was giggling. She was enthusiastically waving at the pool flags as if they were people. She loved it!

And I was thrilled. She was learning to not be afraid of the water all while I was keeping her safe! Victory!

Just as I was proverbially patting myself on the back, I went to change her in the locker room. Wanting her to be warmed as quickly as possible, I immediately took off her wet swimsuit and zipped her into her cover up. Well, I must have zipped too rapidly, because as the plastic teeth clenched together, they took a big red bite of my little girl’s belly.

She cried.

Here I took all of these precautions to battle against the pool and then I became public enemy number one using a piece of polka dot fabric as my weapon. Off to Google the long term effects of zippering your baby.

Jessica Glassberg has written for The Screen Actors Guild Awards, Disney and for ten years was the head writer of the 21-hour Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon, where she also performed five times. Additionally, "The History of the Joke with Lewis Black" on the History Channel featured Jessica's comedic stylings and she currently produces and hosts a standup comedy showcase, “Laugh Drink Repeat,” and is a contributing writer forKveller.com and Torquemag.io

For upcoming shows, clips and writings samples at: www.jessicaglassberg.com and follow her on twitter at: http://twitter.com/JGlassberg